Boredom Blog

Twilight should not be the highlight of your life.

2011-01-09T14:10:00.004-05:00

Dear Cathy,

You are going to regret this for the rest of your life.

Sincerely,

Common Sense

My mind is blown.

2011-01-09T13:35:00.002-05:00

Chloe Sevigny and Pauly D might be a couple. I don't know how I feel about that.

The world is kicking my ass.

2011-01-09T13:28:00.004-05:00

This Friday, instead of going to a party, I fell asleep at 7 PM in the midst of reading for b-school with an empty box of Golden Crisp on my chest. That was quite possibly the highlight of my week. Don't feel sorry for me, though -- I dreamt that I was picking out an outfit to wear to my company's IPO. Best dream ever.

PHOTO: Remember Golden Crisp's old mascot, Sugar Bear? I think he got fired after he was discovered in a Beverly Hills bathroom with George Michael.

The time for full disclosure has come. Avert your eyes.

2011-01-04T16:37:00.005-05:00

Current Stats: I weigh 177 pounds right now, with a BMI of approximately 29%. My target is 145 (or thereabouts). My inspiration is Natalie Portman's training for Black Swan. KIDDING! I kid. I want to be able to perform when this resolution is done, not be an alarming anecdote in a Gawker article about Darren Aronofsky. So don't worry, as all of this will be done under the strictest consultations of the finest doctors that WebMD can buy.

Photo: I could never pull off that eye makeup. I totally have that crown, though.

In six months, I will be bionic.

2011-01-04T16:14:00.004-05:00

As some of you may have suspected, I am not Oprah Winfrey, and thus have not the resources nor the cognitive ability to balk a storied New Year's tradition that sets millions up for inevitable disappointment just to live in the now of common sense and good judgment. Instead, I've decided to amuse you by making resolutions that I will actually keep. Or, that I fail at so spectacularly you can't help but be riveted.

My resolutions are as follows:

Be a performance-level aerialist (read: be able to perform for 2-3 minutes non-stop) by July 1, 2011.

Lose 30 pounds by July 1, 2011.

They are serious and difficult goals (shocking, I know), but this woman broke both of her legs, and is still teaching yoga classes, so I have no excuses for failure. Except laziness. That will always be an acceptable excuse. Join me and laugh at my pain! It will most likely be substantial.

In which I try to make a friend on Friendster. And fail.

2009-08-31T15:43:00.007-04:00

[Ed. Note: An email exchange I had with someone who who read my profile on friendster, and emailed me because he thought I was "interesting." We had been corresponding for about a week, and were discussing our mutual desire to expatriate from the U.S. (an incredibly prescient decision, given the election held later that year].

From elvi slives
Sent Tuesday, February 24, 2004 5:51 pm
To [redacted]
Subject Re: elvi from Friendster

How have you been? I am amazingly slammed at work (as usual) so I've not been able to respond to you until now.

If I were to go ex-pat, I would move somewhere benign, like London or Toronto -- I have to admit, London has such an amazing draw because it's an excellent base to travel from. Ideally, I would eventually learn another language (I'm thinking German or French as they are v. internationally-recognized languages, in addition to English-- When I was in Germany, my host family didn't speak English, so I learned it pdq -- especially the really important phrases, like Frühstück" (breakfast) and "Einkaufen" (shopping) and "Ach mein Gott, ist ihr haar in brand" (Oh my god, your hair is on fire!" ...

Music has suddenly become v. important part of my life for no good reason (although I do not own massive collections of CDs as I frequently lose the CD (but never the CASE!)). I listen to all kinds but country, and even some of that too ... I'm not too into the whole Dave Matthews kind of music (I always feel like he's on the verge of coughing), but everything else is pretty game (right now I'm listening to The Hours CD, which is great if you are into string instruments (mostly piano) -- it has a very ambient quality to it, but is perhaps too powerful to be a film score.

I'm lazy when it comes to calling people (I am much more email-oriented --the voice-box I've had to use since the tracheotomy freaks people out sometimes, jk, maybe), but you can buzz me if you want (my cell is [redacted]).

cheers

elvi slives

PHOTO: This man is a douche. I don't know why I hate him, I just do.

This photo answers queries about what I did this weekend.

2009-08-31T15:22:00.004-04:00

Who is this person, and how did they get access to my email?!?!!

2009-08-28T12:11:00.006-04:00

[Ed. Note: This is an email I sent to an old boss inviting her to have drinks with me. Surprisingly, she still went (against her better judgment, no doubt).]

From elvi slives
Sent Tuesday, June 29, 2004 12:07 pm
To T-
Subject elvi slives

You are cordially invited to

Lunch with elvi slives
Former Assistant to T- &
Event Planner Extraordinaire

To discuss life, work, and the pursuit of the perfect diet

RSVP to [redacted]

This invitation is non-transferrable.

He's so sweet I want to punch him.

2009-08-28T11:19:00.009-04:00

[Ed. Note: Ah, the classic getting to know you email... Once Facebook got a hold of you, you were never the same.]

From elvi slives
Sent Friday, April 11, 2003 10:33 am
To distribution
Subject Re: Getting to know your friends questionnaire

1. What color are your kitchen plates? PLATES?!?!? I don't own no stinkin' plates!
2. What are you reading now? What A- and J- should be reading ... specifically How to Be Good by Nick Hornby. I've learned nothing yet. NOTHING!
3. What's on your mouse pad? It's black, and has a slot for putting pictures in. I keep the latest top ten list I'm working on in it.
4. Favorite board game? Board Games are what happens when a party runs out of beer. NEVER RUN OUT OF BEER!
5. Favorite magazine? Erm ... I don't know. OH! Maxim.
6. Favorite Smell? Clean clothes. That somebody else washed.
7. Least favorite Smell? Um, that would have to be the gas in my kitchen ... on a related note, does anyone know how to light a pilot light?
8. The first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? Nap for 25 more minutes. Everyday. Seriously.9. Favorite color? Black. Until they discover a color that is darker. And then, that shade.
10. Least Favorite color? Too many to enummerate.
11. How many rings before you answer the phone? Assuming that the battery isn't dead. Assuming that the phone is actually on. Assuming that I haven't left it in the back of a cab. 4 rings -- but I'm only assuming.
12. Future child's name? Whoops and Nother-one.
13. What is most important? Three 24 hour drug stores within a five minute walk of your apartment. IN ANY DIRECTION!!!!!! (Except for the river, but I haven't looked yet)
14. Chocolate or Vanilla? Heavenly Hash ... where Chocolate meets Vanilla ... and they make sweet sweet love.
15. Do you like to drive fast? Urm, does L- like Old Navy? I think so!
16. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? George is not a stuffed animal -- he's just deanimated.
17. Storms - cool or scary? Depends -- if I'm drunk, then yes. Just kidding ... I'm always drunk!
18. What type was your first car? A tractor. But it was a John Deere, so that made it all good ...
19. If you could meet one person dead or alive who would it be? Alive. Seriously though, it depends. Would he worship me like a god? Then, Hugh Jackman.......................................sorry, was just thinking about what that would be like. On a related note, does anyone know Hugh Jackman?
20. Favorite alcoholic drink? I like pina coladas. And getting caught in the rain. I don't go for yoga, but I do like champagne.
21. What is your sign and birthday? Septemberish, 19-something or other. I'm twentyish. And a virgo. Which means I HATE YOU. Unless you're my friend. Then we cool.
22. Do you eat the stems of Broccoli? NO -- that would require me to actually eat broccoli. And that would be gross.
23. If you could have any job what would it be? Tough call. Professional Hockey player -- cause then I could play grabass with them without all the legal ramifications. Mmm, grabass.
24. If you could have any color hair, what would it be? Probably the color it is now -- I'd say blonde, but then Beyonce has helped me to discover that I would look like an idiot.
25. Is the glass half full or half empty? If there's liquor in it, probably all empty.
26. Favorite Movie? Mallrats. "I love the smell of commerce in the morning."
27. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? Of course. Do you pee with the door open? What kind of sick bastards write this stuff?
30. Favorite sport to watch? Hockey. Mmmm, grabass.
31. What is your single biggest fear? Living forever. I've been told that it won't happen, but that person also told me that I looked good in pink (really, what were you thinking, Mom?), so I don't know what to believe.
32. Say one nice thing about the person who sent this to you. She's moving in with this really great girl! And she calls me when Old Navy puts out their new line of flip flops. That's friendship, people.
33. Person most likely to respond? Erm ... no one. I don't have that many friends.
34. Person you sent this to who is least likely to respond? I hate these questions ... didn't you just hear me? I DON'T HAVE THAT MANY FRIENDS! I nearly shit myself today when I got four emails ... but then I realized that three of them were from my good friends, Emil and Zargost, giving me directions on how I can become longer and harder to better satisfy my many womens. Did you hear that L-?? That's another perk about living with me!
35. Favorite CD? Right now it's Philip Glass' The Hours CD. BUt only because it was free, and my CD player at home refuses to play any others. DAMN FASCISTS! Now they make CD players. I should have known -- it has pics of Mussolini on the speakers.
36. Favorite TV. show? Good Morning Miami (I love Jake -- he's so sweet I want to punch him!)
37. Ketchup or mustard? Salsa. Of course.
38. Hamburgers or hot dogs? Yes, please.
39. Favorite soft drink? Cherry coke, Dr. Pepper, or root beer-- Diet [fill in name of new fad drink here]
40. The best place you have been? The 24 grocery SUPER store on 83rd and 1st -- I didn't know what to do, but I sure had fun (I bought circus peanuts and Diet Orange Crush -- AND I SCOFF AT THE IRONY OF IT ALL!)
41. What Screen Saver is on your computer right now? None. But I have a picture of Helena Bonham Carter smoking a cigarette. Because she's that cool.

PHOTO: Mmm, grabass.

Remember when I used to get excited about things? Those were good times.

2009-08-28T11:13:00.003-04:00

[Ed. Note: This was an email I sent out the first day of work at a new job. I blame my childhood addiction to Anne Shirley for the over exuberance -- luckily, it was later beaten out of me with a wire hanger (thanks, Mom!).]

From elvi slives
Sent Monday, March 3, 2003 5:40 pm
To distribution
Subject RE: First Day of Silence ... Yip. EE!!!

Dear All,

As you may (or may not, if you are wont to ignore me when I speak) know, today was my first day at [redacted] -- and what a day! Everyone here is really nice, and they are all women -- which is weird, because you really don't notice it, until you go into the kitchen and notice the freakish amounts of tea, chocolate and diet soda (as well as various other treats) that are offered complimentary as part of working here. Dear [redacted], I think I love you.

So, anyway, everyone was also very helpful without being overly so -- when I was looking for the staples, the president asked me if I needed any help! She's seems very approachable (and you know me, I love to APPROACH!), but I am waiting to decide -- you never can tell these days.

I have my own office (if by office, you mean room that everyone calls my office where I am by myself that everyone walks through to get to the bathroom, then yes, MS. SEMANTICS, I DO have my own office), but there is lots of gibby-gabbing going on, so there's opportunities to be both independent and co-mingle with others. Plus, there are tons of couches throughout, so naptime's a breeze! Okay, not really -- we have to draw straws! Plus, my office has all the product samples in it -- could life get any better? I submit that it could not.

A- (my boss) also sent me an invite to a tasting, which is very exciting, since I've never been to one before (M- and J- used to go at [redacted], and you don't usually do them for meetings, since most everyone knows what sandwich tastes like) ...

So, if the first day is any indication, I think I will like it here!

Talk to you soon!

elvi slives

Wherein I list the reasons to (not) move to New York.

2009-08-28T10:56:00.004-04:00

[Ed. Note: This email proves that what I like to do and what normal people like to do are not always the same thing. It is also probably why the New York Tourism Board still refuses to hire me.]

From elvi slives
Sent Wednesday, February 26, 2003 12:42 pm
To B-
Subject Re: I don't know no stinkin' B-

Dear Hooray!,

Don't tease -- are you really thinking of moving to NY? I have to prepare you ... it is ass-out cold up here. Not cold like Buffalo, although to listen to some of these weaklings complain, you would this was Siberia ... "My feet are cold ..." Then wear closed-toed shoes, dumbasses! Seriously, though, it is nothing like LA (there's no sun, there's no decent beaches, 99% of all the citizens are skipping their court-ordered anger management sessions)... At all. It's still fun, though, and there is plenty of drinking. And pardon me for saying so, but you will be getting *ss up the ying yang (okay, that sounded better in my head). Because, compared to NYers, you are refreshingly unjaded, yet don't appear to be a complete dolt. Very important. I hate you (congratulations -- you just received your first act of misplaced rage. Soon you will join us in cursing old women who take too long on to get on the bus and popping small children's balloons with your cigarettes ... but don't get me started. Where did I put those rage pills?) ....

AND IF YOU MOVE HERE ... you will also have to phase all colored clothing out of your wardrobe ... we only accept neutral tones, like taupe, ivory, ebony and nude. Not just black and white, kiddo. It's all about the shades of grey.

BUT THERE ARE STUPID THINGS HERE ... like they want to make it so you can't smoke in bars ... I mean, that healthy thing is totally cute in LA, but in NY, where smoking is like the mother's milk that so many of us were brutally denied, it's just fascist. And there is now going to be a fine on cell phone use in public areas (like movies, etc.). Stupid Bloomberg. I hate all rich people -- until I become one. And then I will just hate most rich people.

YOU COULD TOTALLY CRASH ON MY COUCH UNTIL YOU FIND AN APT ... but please let me know in advance, so I can buy a couch. Just kidding. Well, not really.

And I was still thinking about moving to LA, but then I found this new job at XXX ... and I'm moving out of Queens ... so the things that I was having issues with are slowly starting ot resolve themselves ... oh, NY, I could never leave you ...

So anyway, as of this Friday, I will no longer be at XXXX (although please be sure to keep me on your frequent spamming list ... always welcome at my home email) ...

Talk to you soon ...

elvi slives

PHOTO: In the end, B- opted not to move to New York. Was it something I said?

Queens was apparently always a sore subject for me.

2009-08-28T10:42:00.005-04:00

[Ed. Note: This is an email I sent to a friend about shopping. And my hatred of snow. And Queens. In that order.]

From elvi slives
Sent Friday, February 7, 2003 11:39 am
To L-
Subject Dear Suckley McSuck

Shopping was great ... even as we speak I am sitting in a lovely pair of pants that match an awesome jacket that I've had forever but rarely worn because I did not, at that time, own a bottom set that matched it so perfectly as these pants that I am, once again, currently wearing in preparation for an interview. I also have a pair of high heels, perhaps not worn by the inhabitants of the artic as they attempt to scale large, snow-laden mountains or the west side, which apparently no one felt the need to shovel since it was obviously more fun to watch a girl in a new pair of pants making furtive deals with whatever god was listening to not let her rip her fabulous pants on the icey sidewalks. And don't EVEN get me started on Queens.

Also, you'll be happy to know that I have NO problem kicking people in the shins -- as a matter of fact, I just kneed some old lady in the groin, and it wasn't even for a furby. That bitch tried to steal a seat from me on the train -- you HAVE a cane, Lady, LEAN ON IT!

Could life get any better? I submit that it could not.

Cheers,

elvi slives

PHOTO: MPD can be a bit treacherous when it snows. Be sure to wear snowboots.

I am actually still friends with this person, indicating he probably never received this missive.

2009-08-27T17:20:00.006-04:00

[Ed. Note: I shot this little "hi, howareya" gem to one of my ex-pat (at the time) buddies. Reading this makes me think I should start being nicer to my friends. Maybe.]

From elvi slives
Sent Thursday, March 28, 2002 10:43 am
To J-
Subject Re: What the f*ck?!?!

Hey J-

I hope this gets to you -- although I am fairly confident that, even if it doesn't, it will get to someone like you (due to the highly irregular email). Speaking of which, you should go to scrotum.com as they give out free email addresses. W- and I went to a comedy performance last night (they were doing a draw) and one of the winners email address was jesussaves@scrotum.com. It doesn't get much better than that. I don't know how it could.

Moving on, how is (fill in name of current country of residence here)? I hear that you are teaching 3rd graders--I am so sorry to have to miss that. Those poor children are probably totally unaware of the fact that there bigger difference between count and c*nt than one letter can justify. Just remember--children are not to be toyed with. They are to be beaten severely.

We all miss you terribly -- and when I say all, I mean A-. She pretty much does the brunt of that emotional feelings thing. We've not yet returned to Indian -- it's just not the same without you--we no longer have to wait forty minutes to eat cause you're late--but W- and I were thinking that we would have a little "wake" for you next week. Crying (or laughing, it's all the same to me) into bottles of Alize or some other sort of flavored liqueur, reminiscing about the old days when you weren't so mature as you are now (which, really, I think a lot of people have a hard time believing that you could be less mature) et cetera, et cetera.

If you came home (and no one would think less of you--I mean, really, how could they?) we could all go together. I'm just saying ...

Talk to you soon (and when I say soon, I mean in a year or so).

elvi slives

PHOTO: J- and I once drank an entire bottle of Alize and half a bottle of vodka, then took a bus to Williamsburg. Because that's how drunk you have to be to go to Williamsburg.

In which I discover the benefit of anti-lock brakes.

2009-08-27T16:56:00.007-04:00

[Ed. Note: God I hated living in Buffalo. Reasons are listed below.]

From elvi slives
Sent Wednesday, December 26, 2001 10:02 pm
To XXXX
Subject Re: Yet more changes...

Dear L-

Dear lord, we have gotten like another foot of snow since last we spoke (THIS AFTERNOON)! And it has NOT STOPPED! I f*cking hate Buffalo and all these stupid little bastards with all-wheel drive who honk at me because my car can't shift from the wheels that slip to the wheels that grip. On the positive side, doing a full 360' on black ice on an abandoned country road at 2 am in the morning is easier than you think. I am, how you say? Lucky.

On a negative note, it is getting to be a little like The Shining around here. I think that I have been outside of the house a grand total of 6 hrs since I arrived (INCLUDING CHRISTMAS AT MY NAN'S! Don't ask, it wasn't pretty). Last night I found myself silently whispering redrum, redrum while I watched only the second L&O of the day (can you imagine? Here it is only on twice?!?!?! Oh, the horror!)

Okay, enough about me. J- sent me an email asking me to come, which I now plan on doing until otherwise notified. Is there anything that you want me to bring you from here or NY before I make the trip down? My flight (supposedly) gets in around 7 am, then I am going to head straight to the train station, where I will proceed directly to J-'s part of [redacted] (a location to be determined at a later date).

See ya then (thanks for the undies!).

elvi slives

PHOTO: Nobody puts Lenny in the corner.

Wherein I sexually harass (& solicit job advice) from someone I've not yet met.

2009-08-27T16:45:00.008-04:00

[Ed. Note: I sent this to a guy I seriously never had met (and never did, I believe). I honestly don't even remember why we were sharing a room? Apparently, I was a lot less prudey than I am now. Not bloody likely.]

From elvi slives
Sent Wednesday, November 14, 2001 7:05 pm
To XXXX
Subject Frend o' A-'s

Hey K-

Hear we'll be rooming together in Atlantic City -- be sure to bring your speedos and your ear plugs ... you'll need them ;)!

Do you know what a holistic financial planner (or consultant) is? I am going on an interview for one, and I would like to know what kind of qualifications I should lie and say I have.

Thanks!

elvi slives

PHOTO: Sadly, K- opted not to go to Atlantic City after all. Luckily I met this guy, and we bonded over our mutual love of handle bar mustaches, spandex and Jesus Christ.

Goo Goo for Gaga

2009-08-27T15:58:00.010-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows I dearly adore Lady Gaga. I've decided to list the reasons for your review/amusement/disdain:

I. Want. A. Minnie. Mouse. Bow. Made out of my own hair. I do. I need it. Less than I need oxygen perhaps, but more than I need access to basic cable. And that is a lot.

In her defense, if I had her body, I would also wear those same outfits. And perhaps something tighter and sluttier. I would have chosen a different profession though – but since Scores closed, this may have been her only other option.

Because I NEVER NEVER NEVER thought I would say “She’s like Christina Aguilera. But crazy. And dirtier.” It didn’t seem like it could happen. But Gaga makes Aguilera look like … Wait, has anyone even seen Aguilera lately??!?!! I’m beginning to forget what she even looks like…

See #2 about her body applies triply to her legs. They are AWESOME. I want her to write down every exercise she does and food she eats so that I can copy it exactly. Also, her gene sequencing if anyone has that information handy.

When you watch old videos, you often see trends that you’re like, “what the hell were you thinking, Every Single Member of the Bangles?!?!!” It’s fun to watch one of those trends happening in in real time with Gaga and her entire wardrobe.

PHOTO: This is the image I found when googling Lady Gaga hair bow. I love you, Moderate Safe Search.

Sometimes my pride likes to bite me in the ass. Just to remind me that it is still there.

2009-08-25T17:25:00.007-04:00

[Ed. Note: Another email to H-, where I regale him with the perils of being poor (and stupid) in the city.]

From elvi slives
Sent Friday, September 7, 2001 2:57 pm
To "H-"
Subject Re: New Address!
Dear H-,

Not word one about what it is like to live in a completely different country. I am very interested (well, very and interested are strong words) to hear about the things that you do now that you don't have pesky bitches like me to annoy. V. interested indeed.

Not that I don't want to send you anything (although I am not sure that what I would send you would make it through customs anyway) but I am poor ass broke. I couldn't afford the stamps on any kind of letter that I must send, not to mention that I don't have anything interesting to say since I don't have a job and have been relegated to the position of having to drag my ass out of bed at 2 pm in the morning to look for jobs at a nearby (for now) computer lab. Sound familiar? Why, why did I do this to myself, you ask? Because I am mainly an idiot. I prefer unemployment to the slap of being demoted back down to intern at [Redacted](the place where I used to work). Sometimes my pride likes to bite me in the ass. Just to remind me that it is still there.

I unfortunately will not be taking the place in Crown Heights, as when we asked a cop on the street where exactly we were, he said (and I quote) "in the crotch of hell." Not such a nice neighborhood.

Now I am looking at a loft in XXX, the "made" part of XXX, no less. When the super was telling us about the apartment (after he picked us up in his humvee and told us he was moving out the place because he just bought a house on the "shore") he mentioned that the person who owned the building across the street was, you know (rubbing his nose -- I didn't know what he meant at first, I thought he meant they were allergic to cats??? But then N- explained).... I didn't mind that so much, but had to admit that I was slightly freaked out by that the walls of the apartment were soundproofed. Also, the carpeting was kind of a light off-white color, and when N- asked him how he got stains out of it he just kind of laughed, and said, "it's easier than you think." I was soo freaked, but the apartment is gorgeous--and let's face it, I would rather have the mafia as neighbors than crackheads. At least they know how to clean up when they are done.

I heard that you like champagne cola too (L- brought me back some from the bahamas after she heard I liked it) and now I am having a hard time finding it. Where? Where in Manhattan (below 125th Street) do they sell that blessed elixir? I await your answer with bated breath.

That is all for now. You may go.

love,

elvi slives

In Which I Write a Paragraph Containing One Period Per Four Parentheses.

2009-08-25T17:15:00.007-04:00

[Ed. Note: A continuation on a theme, here is another email to H-, explaining the Pepsi/Coca Cola economy paradox and demonstrating that my source citing skills were always questionable ... ]

From elvi slives
Sent Wednesday, August 29, 2001 9:50 am
To "H-"
Subject Moving sucks ... much like Mongolian soda
Dear H-

It sounds like you are having a blast there--don't worry about the [limited food] availability thing though, as it happens even in this great city. I have lived here in NYC without lemonheads for about two years now, and it does not look like there will be any in my near future, either.

How did I screw up the East Village apartment? I didn't assert my squatter's rights. Actually, the lease is only until October, and then it is G-H-E-T-T-O time. That's right. I as well will live off of Franklin Avenue on Union Street, running home every night, throwing my bookbag over fences and then leaping them in single bounds like that small boy in the "We hear ya. Keep running." commercial. Finally, I will succumb to the crack dealers and start doing trix to support my habit until the day that the little green leprecaun tries to steal my stash and I knife him in a bitter rage ... oh, wait. I am getting my commercials mixed up again.

Anyway, here's something that I think that you might find funny. There was actually a man (and I am totally not making this up, Prof. G- in the Sociology dept. told me this, so the burden of proof is on him--lately I have been feeling the need to prove that I don't lie ALL the time, which is hard because I generally DO lie most (okay, ALL) the time) who wrote his thesis (or maybe it was a television show, I don't remember, his classes were at like 9 am in the morning and I had a hard time just remembering to stay awake, let alone pay attention) (do you like how this is still the same sentence and I still have not gotten to a point--hate to warn you, it is nowhere in the near future either) on a comparison of money economies and their relation to the soda industry- -for instance, Coca Cola went to China, Pepsi went to Russia--and the ensuing success or failure of that new economy. He said that it can all be blamed on the Soda--namely that Pepsi is a jinx. I would have to agree, and point out that this theory works on a smaller scale, as Niagara Falls (New York, that is) has a Pepsi bottling center and has been a rapidly declining city (and I use that term loosely--if two more people die, its back to township she goes) for years now whereas Atlanta is thriving (at least in comparison) and it is the center of Coca Cola bottling. Coincidence? I am sure the Russians don't think so.

Okay, now that I have bored you to death (and all without approaching a point of any kind), I am going to let you get back to what ever it is that you do for fun there -- by the by, what is it that you do?

love,

elvi slives

Wherein I Discover the International Appeal of the Snickers Bar.

2009-08-25T17:02:00.007-04:00

Hello again, all. I'm sorry I've been away for so long, but truth is, I've been completely uninspired to write anything. Mainly because I've been too busy watching the variety of behavioral disorder shows on A&E (holy shit Obsessed is awesome! You could say I was obsessed with it. But then you'd be a douche). Anyway, I did want to get in the habit of putting something up, and stumbled across a few old emails that I thought were funny (hopefully, out of context, as I'm too lazy to remember the main plot behind most of them). Hope you enjoy them.

[Ed. Note: After college, several of my friends left the country in search of jobs and lower rent. H- was one of them.]

From elvi slives
Sent Tuesday, August 28, 2001 10:28 am
To "H-"
Subject Yakkety, Yak! (But do they talk back?)
Dear H-:

I think that we may have already had this conversation before, but Canada is in one of the Americas. It is right above the US. Nevermind.

Anyway, just to let you know, there is not one week that goes by that I don't ask the Mulberry crew where you are. Then they remind me that you moved to Mongolia, and we all laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh
(but not at you).

I am currently still homeless, but I think that my luck may change in the near future. I am looking at a house in Brooklyn (by the museum no less) that is fantastic and super cheap! Well, not super, but cheap enough. I also still don't have a job, and my one here ends on Friday. But I am not panicking yet -- not until the bill collectors
come a'banging. Then I might have to do something drastic--like move back to S-- (it's a lot like Mongolia with the animals and stuff, only less cilivized).

Yar, yar, yar--sounds like everything in Mongolia is great! I think they sell those snickers bars here in America too! And all this time, I thought that they were an American thing .... Who knew that I enjoyed ethnic treats?

How did the cab driver cheat you out of a $100? Was it American or Mongolian? Do you have his address? I just happen to know a couple of ex-KBG officers who are looking for part-time gigs in that area ...

Did you notice that I managed to go this entire email without making one snide comment? Weird, huh?

All right, I have to go pretend to be productive now. Say hi to everyone for me!

love,

elvi slives

Paulson regrets that time he watched "I Love New York" instead of finishing "Finance Regulation for Dummies"

2008-10-10T21:05:00.018-04:00

If you're like me and keep all of your money in the cash registers of area nail and threading salons, then you're not exactly sure what all the hullabaloo on Wall Street is. Allow me to shed some light on the situation: We. Are. In. Financial. Apocalypse.

Perhaps I'm exaggerating a bit (I'm not), and it's not *THE* worst economic environments we've seen in decades (it is) that will force world leaders to close down their markets to re-write the rules of international finance (already working on it). Let's just pretend for a moment that I'm not overreacting -- how does something like this happen? I once got into an argument with an anarchist who said that we didn't need laws because people are naturally inclined to "do the right thing." To punctuate his point, he pulled out a pocket knife and said that I should stab him to prove him wrong. I didn't, but I like to think that eventually some other bored party-goer did, if only to shut him up. Because, at the end of the day, we very rarely do things because they are the "right" thing to do -- more often, we do them because they are the "non-illegal" things to do. Amsterdam has made a killing in tourism based entirely on this theory.

Being an event planner has taught me that, without rules and the means by which to enforce them, lawlessness abounds. It has also taught me that a 90-lb woman will jab a 300-lb bouncer in the foot with her stiletto for $30 worth of cosmetics. So, even as we all feign moral indignation at Fuld's reckless acts at Lehman Brothers, it's hard to believe that, given the chance, there aren't others would wouldn't risk destabilizing an entire financial market and a punch in the face whilst on the treadmill to net $500 million. Sure, *most* people wouldn't, but Greyhound learned earlier this year, just because *most* people wouldn't kill a complete stranger, doesn't mean one person wouldn't. And while there are plenty of us that wish someone had beheaded Fuld, violence is not the answer. At least, not yet. No, what we need to do is pay more attention to who we put in charge of our money and what they are doing with it. Because, as nice as it is to believe that people will ultimately "do the right thing," Spike Lee has taught us and Radio Raheem that that is not always the case.

PHOTO: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. However, I can tell you that the blue one significantly decreases your chances of ever hearing the phrase "you betcha" again. Choose wisely.

Even I Don't Read My Blog. And That Has Cost Me Dearly.

2008-08-21T17:21:00.004-04:00

If you're a fan of the Boredom Blog, you may remember this little humdinger of a post where I mention that Bank of America is now charging a three-dollar ATM fee for non-customers. Hmm, what's that you say? You don't remember? Um, yeah, me either, because in a fit of desperation (I was wearing heels!) last weekend, I totally made the mistake of using one of their machines. That coupled with my bank's "convenience fee" (read: "Sucka! I can't believe you just paid me to do NOTHING!"), means I paid a $4.50 surcharge just to get enough cash to get a cab home from midtown (and before you snark, it was like 2:30 AM, the trains were all wonky, and I live in Brooklyn, for god sakes. Have a heart!). Adding to the list yet another reason why Suze Orman won't return my calls.

I Wish Someone Would Do Something About How Fat I Am*

2008-08-21T14:10:00.013-04:00

Okay, a few days ago I wrote a platitude-laden blog about how my current weight-loss plateau has helped me to re-evaluate my definition of weight-loss success. Desperation has since caused me to re-re-evaluate the situation and deem that seemingly noble sentiment complete and utter bullshit. Because after 21+ days, all I* DO* care about right now is the fact that my scale appears to be a capricious asshole who takes delight in taunting me with my non-progress.

As I’ve previously asserted, I am truly a scientist at heart (admittedly though, less of an Albert Einstein and more of an L. Ron Hubbard), and as such, have taken pains to thoroughly research possible solutions to this crisis (read: I’ve Googled the term “weight-loss plateau” incessantly over the past few weeks). The challenge is, every website says the same thing – Increase your caloric intake. Increase your activity level. Decrease your reliance on the scale as an indicator of success. All of which I’ve done. And, still…. NOTHING! I am just as scale-disadvantaged as I was a fortnight and a half ago!

While I’ve tried to appease myself with alternative metrics (like the fact that my once aspirational “skinny pants” are now loose on me, or that I’m able to work out for incredibly long periods without tiring), I can’t help but feel that it’s utter bullshit. Because my goal when I started wasn’t “Be able to wear outdated pants that reek of mothballs and desperation” or “Ellipticate (It’s a word. Look it up. Make sure you use my dictionary) ad nauseam, ad infinitum.” My goal was to have a kick-ass body like Britney’s. You know, before the babies. But even that b*tch is on the front page of OK! touting her rapid weight-loss success, proving that even an overexposed underdeveloped tartlet who is an epic FAIL at almost everything not involving hip gyrations or pedophiliac allusions can do it. And now my resolve is fading faster than Rick Ross’s street cred (Although kudos to him on the perfect attendance reward. It has to be hard to prison guard every night when everyday you’re hustling).

So I implore you dear reader, what can I do to bust out of this dreaded plateau? Eating disorders are out of question. After all, I want to lose weight, not end up being played by Raven Symoné (I know, I questioned the casting decision too) in a Lifetime Movie of the Week. Similarly, celebrity diets are also not going to work because I a) Don’t have a gazillion dollars to “invest” in my ass and b) if I did, I would probably just buy Eva Mendez and make her impersonate me (What?!?! I saw her in the clearance aisle at Costco, so I just assumed). So please post your helpful suggestions in Comments. All mean/snarky comments can be directed to your mother’s answering machine, because she’s probably the reason you’re so bitter anyway.

*Yes, I steal content. But I make it better by properly inserting it into topic, no?

PHOTO: If you're going to cast someone as me in a movie, may I make a humble suggestion? Because this is the exact face I make every morning when pondering breakfast selections. Or why it is that black face is still so taboo.

Word of the Day: Ellipticate

2008-08-21T14:06:00.002-04:00

Main Entry: Ellipticate
Function: verb
intransitive verb1 a: To use the elliptical machine; specifically: to move both feet in opposing directions in a running motion on a machine specifically designed to minimize impact. b: To abandon high-impact activities (e.g. running, etc.) for a lower-impact workout.

EX:
a: I ellipicated at the gym for over 2 hours yesterday.
b: After I pulled that last hammy, my doctor suggested I ellipticate my current routine.

Please Stop Assuming that I Have a Drug Problem.

2008-08-18T18:49:00.006-04:00

If you're my friend, you may have recently noticed that I dropped a few pounds. Ninety, to be exact. It's been a slow, steady process fraught (I've been waiting all week to use that word) with challenges, but I've persevered. Until recently.

The thing is, I hit a giant brick wall a few weeks ago. It's odd -- on the surface, it was made up of seemingly small things -- the backhanded compliments I had received from friends ("Seriously, are you on coke?"), the hopefully broken Taylor scale (which despite my best efforts, has refused to budget from 178), the excess skin on my now-deflated breasts. Taken individually, they would have been manageable, but collectively, they felt insurmountable.

And just when I started to feel sorry (and angry) at myself for failing once again, I did what any good scientist (or bullshit artist) would do -- I reassessed my metrics. My weight might be fixed, but I've dropped over 5% body fat in the last month alone. I just signed up for a introduction to ballet workshop, something that I would have never had the courage to do in the past. And shopping has regained its rightful place as my preferred lunchtime activity. For everything I've sacrificed, I've gained something new -- maybe not what I was expecting, or even hoping for, but more often, something better -- something I didn't even realize I was missing.

Maybe this then is the key to weight loss success -- the moment you realize that it is about so much more than a number on a scale. It's the sense of accomplishment that is instantly recognizable by everyone I see. The feeling that I CAN do anything that I set my mind to; I can succeed where so many others have failed, I can climb Mount Everest without freezing to death. I've come so far, to not finish now would be insanity.

So I will continue to demure when you inquire as to my drug of choice (after all, every good bad girl needs some sort of bad habit, even if only imagined), research (healthy) ways to ramp up my cardio, and start saving up for a breast lift. Because, as tough as it has been, it's still a hundred times better than the alternative.

In my house, wine glasses outnumber cooking utensils three-to-one.

2008-03-15T17:05:00.008-04:00

My microwave broke recently (it happened during the Oscars this year -- one can only imagine it was in protest of Marion Cotillard's dress). Sadly, with it went my one real desire to be a part of the cooking world (I hear your ponderances on why I just didn't buy a new one and I dismiss them. Please stop questioning my blog logic), which derived almost entirely from that machine (and those wonderful labels that companies spend so much time preparing for the packaging. Yes, I'm NOT ashamed to admit I'm the reason they put cooking directions on chicken).

I've always had a natural aversion to using stoves, which I think has to do with a batch of spearmint taffy that I made once as a child that went horribly awry. I learned three things that day: 1) You can never substitute dark corn syrup for light corn syrup; 2) When they say a drop of spearmint flavor, it is not a typo; and 3) when you make a batch of taffy that goes horribly awry, don't put it in a tupperware container and hide it under the kitchen sink. I also grew up in a town where Pizza Hut was THE place to go for Italian, and going to Olive Garden meant that you were getting engaged (or at least, asked to move into his trailer). Because of this, I never really developed a refined palate, or even a desire to eat anything that doesn't come with safety packaging.

All of this probably wouldn't be a problem if I didn't live in New York City, where being a foodie is de rigeur and almost every neighborhood is a veritable orgasm of foodstuffs. I had hoped that when I moved here that I would become more discerning, but the fact remains, I *STILL* cannot taste the coriander in your soup, I continue to be uncertain of what kale looks like, and I remain baffled by how anyone can buy vegetables when manufacturers don't have the decency to provide expiration dates.

Still, while my ignorance can be a bit of an annoyance, I kind of like that, as I'm surrounded by co-workers discussing the merits of granite vs. marble for a mortar and pestle ("It's pestle, Erin, not pustule"), I'm wondering if the Chinatown Duane Reade still has Circus Peanuts on sale. And what of purchasing a new microwave? Maybe, but not anytime soon, as I have transitioned to a raw diet. Now I only buy things that can be eaten straight from the package.

PHOTO: Next time you're hating on my favorite candy, please remember that, without Circus Peanuts, the world would not have Lucky Charms. And you're welcome.

Quote of the Day

2008-02-02T15:50:00.001-05:00

Those that can't do, teach. And those that can't teach, teach gym.
- Jack Black, School of Rock

War-ri-ors, come out and play-ay!

2008-02-02T15:45:00.000-05:00

Love this commercial for Randy Jackson's America's Best Dance Crew -- I may actually even watch the show.

Quote of the Day

2008-01-29T13:45:00.000-05:00

Jamie Lynn Spears announced that she’s pregnant. I think she should opt for adoption. I would never recommend abortion, unless you’ve got the punch card filled up, and the eighth one is free.
- Chelsea Handler

Quote of the Day

2008-01-28T14:29:00.000-05:00

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
- Oscar Wilde

The company's sexual harassment policy prevents me from being friendlier to my colleagues.

2008-01-28T14:23:00.000-05:00

Should I be concerned that my work personality has been completely stunted by fear of violating the corporate harrassment policy? Seriously, I've never thought of myself as a risqué person until I attended the helpful (and mandatory) seminar about the subject. Ever since then, I've been frightened to speak to co-workers, lest I say something objectionable (and possibly actionable). The thing is, saying inappropriate things is kind of the crux of my whole character, and without it, I'm left with only my love of Celebrity Rehab, MMA and serial killers to recommend me, which, surprisingly, don't go over so well at the water cooler. Never fear, intrepid reader -- I shall persevere. Just be prepared for me to sexually harass the sh*t out of your *ss the next time we hang out, cause that crap has a way of backing up on you.

PHOTO: Seriously, who *DOESN'T* love John Cena? He's helped me to believe that white boys can rap again.

Just because Merriam Webster doesn't recognize it, doesn't mean it's not a word.

2008-01-28T13:56:00.000-05:00

I know you haters think it's a typo, but I stand by my spelling of hoboeing, for no other reason than it looks cool. Besides, Merriam Webster recognizes both "jiggy" and "smackdown," so I question THEIR authority to decide what is a word and what is a typo. I mean, do we really want to live in a society where we let the likes of Vince McMahon and Will Smith craft the vernacular? I think not. Let's leave the heavy lifting to the girl who brought you "d-lebrity" and "necessories," shall we?

Commuting is for suckers. And poor people. But I repeat myself.

2008-01-23T14:59:00.000-05:00

As you probably know, the MTA is raising fares. Again. Seriously though, wouldn't it be great if you could get a gig as sweet at the MTA? Imagine when your yearly review comes up, your boss is all like, "your work performance is extremely poor. You're never on time, there's $600 million missing out of the company coffers, Maintenance is pretty sure that you were responsible for the electrical fire we had last week, and we're still trying to figure out how you managed to flood the copy room." And you could be all like, "I see your point. You'd better raise my salary so I can turn this around."

It's times like these that I consider dropping out of society and pursuing a life of shiftless hoboeing. Say what you will about homelessness, you can't beat the commute.

PHOTO: New York is the only place in the world where people pay good money to stand in a BO-flavored underground tunnel filled with rats and other vermin. Good times.

Put Back My Diet Coke on Penalty of Death

2008-01-23T14:08:00.000-05:00

I think someone pinched the soda I left in the office fridge yesterday. The one that was labeled "Erin Elvi Slives". And "Do Not Touch on Penalty of Death". Okay, I didn't add that last part, but I'm regretting that decision now. Words cannot express how devastated I was to discover the theft this morning. Especially since our office coffee is kind of weak, and so is my morning tolerance for humanity.

Am I overreacting? Of course. However, if I ever run into the purloiner in a dark alley, whatever happens will be an accident.

PHOTO: "Dear Erin, I'm sorry I ran away to Mexico, but I got sick of living in a fridge that hasn't been defrosted since the Eisenhower administration. I hope you can forgive me... Hugs to the fam. -Love, DC"

Quote of the Day

2007-12-14T16:18:00.000-05:00

I've learned from my mistakes and I'm sure I can repeat them exactly.
- Peter Cook

New Year’s – New Reasons to Drink

2007-12-14T15:52:00.000-05:00

Hello Kiddies – don’t forget I’m having a New Year’s party. If you know where I live, you’re invited. If you don’t, well, just forget that I mentioned this. I must be getting confused in my old age!

I am physically incapable of NOT spilling salsa on myself.

2007-12-14T15:47:00.000-05:00

I just cannot NOT do it. It’s almost like a secret special skill I have. My mother used to tell me that everything happens for a reason, so one day, there will probably be a bomb in my office building somewhere, and the only way to stop it from detonating would will be by placing a piece of my tomato-stained poly-cotton blend dress over it. But until then, I just look like a clumsy jackass.

PHOTO: Apparently, this problem is not that uncommon.

I Write the Songs that Make the Whole World Glad I Don't Write Songs More Often

2007-12-14T14:56:00.000-05:00

I've been listening to HitKast on the web radio Accuradio now for a few months, and I've realized that I know a freakish amount of songs. Let me rephrase that -- a ridiculous amount of "mainstream pop songs written mainly for the 12 - 17 year-old set." The realization came when, as I was humming along to a particular favorite, one of my co-workers walked by and was all like, "My youngest loves that song -- she was mad when they banned it from playing at her sixth grade dance." Um, yeah... good times. Never fear, though, as I am currently working on developing a more "mature" palate. Perhaps something along the lines of My Chemical Romance or Blue October. Baby steps, people -- I have to walk before I can speed walk (um, yeah, I'm not built for running).

PHOTO: If my musical maturation goes as planned, I will soon evolve a cult-like adoration for the lyrical stylings of that international chanteuse, a one Ms. Miley Cyrus.

All My Brother Wants for Christmas is an X-Box and a Dream

2007-12-13T17:35:00.000-05:00

When I asked my brother Jason what he wanted for Christmas, he replied: "Call of Duty 4 for XBOX 360 and a powerball lottery ticket from the dingiest convenience store in north jersey (take pepper spray)."

The real question is, who will go to that part of Jersey for me? Post your reply in comments. I'd do it myself if not for my natural proclivity for being mugged while in that fine state.

Quote of the Day

2007-12-10T15:26:00.000-05:00

That proves you are unusual, returned the Scarecrow; and I am convinced the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones. For the common folks are like the leaves of a tree, and live and die unnoticed.
- The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, L. Frank Baum

God is trying to tell me something.

2007-12-10T15:10:00.000-05:00

Every once in a great blue moon, God tries to give me advance warning that I’m about to do something stupid. Like that time when I lived in Jersey City, and spent twenty minutes one morning hunting around for a pair of flip flops to wear to work (god I miss college. And non-profits). Apparently, that was his way of saying “these shoes will not provide you sufficient traction to a) avoid falling down a flight of stairs OR b) evade a mugger.” Unfortunately, I did not heed this warning; with disastrous results (The biggest insult was the mugger was openly upset that I only had $2 and no credit cards – um, hello, I live in Jersey City! I don’t pay $400 a month for rent so I can stockpile cash in my 401(K)… I’m poor, Jackass!).

God tried to warn me again recently when I recently got new cell phone (which I named Meinie) … However, he chose to do it through Sprint, which despite being a major telecom company, is not the best way to get a message across. Disguising himself as a text from Sprint, God asked me if I wanted to back up the phone book I had just inputted into the phone. I chuckled, and cockily (stop laughing, Jeff) clicked no. Then I did it five more times (I’ll say this much for God. He’s persistent). After all, why would I pay money for something that I can just do myself (I know, it doesn’t even sound like something I’d say, does it)?

Then my new phone Meinie died – well, it actually didn’t die, but the talk button stopped working, and when the talk button on your cell phone doesn’t work, you basically just have a beeper. Since I wasn’t a mid-90s drug dealer, I decided to do something about it (I know, that doesn’t sound like me either). As a side note, I fully expected the good people at the Sprint Store to make me pay for a brand-new handset, especially since, when I gave it to the technician, she snottily alluded to user error, which is not covered under the warranty. And, though I spent the 10 minutes I was in the store trying to mentally crush her head with my two fingers, I didn’t say anything, and waited to see how it played out (Now that definitely doesn’t sound like me). Turns out, it was a faulty device, and they gave me a new phone free of charge. I know – I was shocked too.

Sadly, my original phone Meenie, who courageously held out during the entire debacle, decided to completely die moments after I turned in the new one (Meinie) for the new-new one (Moe), and now I have lost my entire phone book. Sadly, this story doesn’t have a point or a moral, as, when I was inputting numbers into Moe (do you get it yet?) and was asked if I wanted to back up, I still selected no. But this time, I wrote the numbers down. Take that, God. My house is going to burn down now, isn’t it? You are a clever one.

PHOTO: "Hello, this is Jesus. Is Erin there? Yes, I'll hold...."

World's Emotionally Strongest (And Most Spiteful) Woman

2007-12-10T12:52:00.000-05:00

The other night, I arm wrestled a friend at Valhalla on 9th & 53rd (Yeah, I know, but what else is there to do in bars in midtown? After all I cannot, in good conscience, date a guy who wears a tie on Saturday and isn't a waiter. I just wasn't brought up that way).

Anyway, even though I have always had freakish upper body strength (mainly because I'm so lazy that I'd rather carry 50lbs of dirty underwear to the laundromat than go more than once a month), when I beat her, she said, "Of course you won. I'm like 1/5 your size." Wow. I'll be honest -- though I love to joke about others and try to be a good sport when the spotlight is turned on me (for the most part. Um, sometimes. Okay, rarely), I am still reeling from that comment. Mainly because she's more like 3/5 of my size, and I hate people who aren't good at fractions. But also because it was a little hurtful. (As a side note, I will never make fun of people who buy overpriced cookies again. At least, not for the rest of the year.)

However, I am a little glad it happened. Because now I have the motivation to lose a shit-ton of weight so that we can have a rematch. And when I beat her next time (and I *WILL* beat her next time), she'll only have only her inability to properly smack-talk and mediocre arm-strength to blame. After all, the one thing I enjoy more than eating is winning. And though I prefer to cheat, I think this time I'll do it fair and square. That'll really shut ol' 20% up.

PHOTO: If you are going to do a Google Image Search for the movie "Over the Top" at work, be sure that your Moderate Safe-Search is on. Live and learn.

New Orleans is way Cooler Than Blogging

2007-11-24T19:52:00.000-05:00

Sorry that I've been on hiatus again kids -- I am preparing for a big work trip to the Big Easy. Let's hope the event takes a cue from this....

Wish me luck! Back in December....

Your Laughter Does Not Amuse Me

2007-11-16T22:04:00.000-05:00

I recently went to see a live taping (yes, I know -- why must I have so many literary friends who taunt my turn of phrase?!?!) of a Comedy Central special for Mike Birbiglia. For those of you who follow comedy, he's the Olive Garden Italian. For those of you who don't, he's ...um, yeah, I've got nothing. He *IS* a very good stand up comedian though, and, for my money, his secret public journal is the highlight of my week. Every week. God, I need a man. But I digress. Mike was, as ever, hilarious, and, though he rehashed bits form old acts, he had the great good taste (stop it! You can too say that!) to put a new twist on it (My favorite line was "Kenny G., even I don't like your music. And I'm your friend. This is an intervention").

None of this matters though, because I had the good bad luck of being sat next to the annoying laughter girl (Let's call her ALG, which is coincidentally also the sound my body made after a particularly bad bout of her giggles prompted a wave of dry heaves). Actually, I guess it's not fair to call her laugh annoying. Positively and disgustingly wretched is much more accurate. Or even a triple threat of maniacal laughter mixed with a machine gun richochet and just a soupcon of wheezing that really just tied the whole package together. If they had sent this girl to Iraq, Saddam would have come running out of his cave, begging for a landmine to step on. The whole time I just kept thinking, "Seriously, God? You sat me next to this person? What did I ever do to you???? Oh, yes, I remember now...."

In the end, despite my pounding headache and clenched fists, I did feel sorry for her, because there is NO way that she can be oblivious to just how completely annoying her verbal shrapnel of a laugh can be. I just hope that she can one day find happiness with someone with a man who truly loves her as she is -- and is physically incapable of making humorous comments. After all, he may love her, but why should the rest of us suffer?

PHOTO: One day my maniacal laughter and BFA from Tisch shall allow me to overthrow Castle Grayskull and rule all of Eternia! Until then, you can catch me on the night shift at McDonald's on Broadway.

Quote of the Day

2007-11-16T21:44:00.000-05:00

Let me say this as clearly as I can: No matter how sharp a grievance or how deep a hurt, there is no justification for killing innocents.
-William J. Clinton

We all have a friend who's adamantly not a hipster.

2007-11-16T21:05:00.000-05:00

I think everyone one of the friends you have in life play a role. For instance, my friend Whitney's role is to ensure that I never drown in a pool of my own vomit. You're doing a great job, Whit! That near-miss last weekend really underscored just how valuable your friendship is to me.

But sometimes, the niche friends fill is not because of what they are, but rather, what they aren't. For instance, my other friend, Daniela, is not, I repeat NOT, a hipster. However, she is an amazing writer and an even better artist and blogger. So you should check out her blog -- especially if you still dream of the Playa, and were into that whole alternative culture thing way before it was even cool.

PHOTO: Daniela springs from awesomeness -- her dad even makes his own greeting cards (including this one). All my dad ever made were license plates.

It's one thing to have a blog. It's a whole other to update it regularly.

2007-11-16T20:42:00.000-05:00

Dearest reader,

Please don't take my recent hiatuses (or is it hiati?) Hiates?) as a sign that I don't love you. No, I'd prefer it if you'd let my total inability to return your call in a timely manner speak to that issue.

The fact is, I've been incredibly busy at work, um, I'd like to say working. Mostly working. Mainly working. A moderate amount of work has been known to happen in the area around my desk. Um, yeah. Anywho, I know I said I would never blog about my job, but it does rock for a wide variety of reasons, and I'm quite glad to be there.

I wish I could say the same for blogging. Truly, coming up with something funny every day (um, week) has been one of the greatest challenges of this unwieldly beast that is Boredom Blog. I never (maybe never is a little too strong -- how about hardly ever. Um, Rarely. Less than often. Perfect) want to put out something half-ass (okay, I admit half-ass is sort of de rigeur with me, so let's say quarter-assed), because I don't want to subject you to just another page of unwitty dialogue that you're forced to read because you're afraid I'll quiz you on it later (FYI, that was a hint for the New Year's Party -- be sure to bone up!).

Anyway, because I promise you the reader the freshest (or, at least not pickled) content, I must occasionally take breaks to recuperate, and tend to the other parts of my life (like checking out the talent in the Flatiron District, or catching up on my DVR backlog of Designing Women). I hope you understand ... After all, you've always been my favorite. Don't tell the others.

Love and other indoor sports,

Erin Elvi Slives

Ode to a Three-Hour Meeting

2007-11-11T15:44:00.000-05:00

Boredom, my dearest friend
Tis no great shock to see you again
Like relatives, the smell of fish
You tend to linger (against my wish)
Were there a lawyer who specialized
In divorcing our life-long ties
His retainer I would gladly pay
For but my freedom, an execution stay
Sadly, though, he does not exist
And so there you are, and will persist.

Quote of the Day

2007-11-11T15:39:00.000-05:00

If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim.
-Margaret Thatcher

Presidential Voting for Dummies

2007-11-11T13:01:00.001-05:00

Maybe you're like me in feeling that, now that Stephen Colbert is no longer running for President, you have no f*cking clue who you're going to vote for. And, while it's fun to dig through the nonsensical rhetoric on each candidate's website and watch endless debates, you cannot help but wonder if there's an easier way.

Good news, friend, there is. Glassbooth.org cuts through the bullshit and tells you who to vote for -- think of it as EHarmony for Politics (though slightly less racist and/or homophobic). Simply enter the criterion that is important to you (marriage for gays: yes, guns for babies: no) and the website spits back the perfect candidate for you (Grandpa Mike Gravel). Who knew being a responsible American citizen could be so easy?

PHOTO: Who is this Ron Paul person, anyway? And why am I so scared???

NEWSFLASH: My Unofficial Boycott of The Onion is Officially Over.

2007-10-31T22:50:00.001-04:00

If you've been reading the Boredom Blog with any sort of regularity, you may remember that I've been boycotting The Onion because of their, um.... Wait, it'll come to me....Yeah, I forget. I'm currently boycotting about 16 things right now, so it's hard to keep them all straight (Which reminds me, do any of you remember why I'm not calling my mother? Please post in comments). Sadly, I'm not together enough to put together any kind of formalized thing, so I decided to forget to read the site to show them *just* how angry I am. My initial goal was one month, but diligence (and early-onset of Alzheimer's) allowed me to go strong for over six weeks.

Anywho, I finally broke down today to check my horoscope, and boy, was I glad I did, as they advised that I shouldn't "be surprised this week if someone strangles you with a length of piano wire as you read about your future."

Luckily for me, this was not 100% accurate -- she used dental floss instead (I think because it doesn't fray as much). However, I knew it was coming, and had the foresite to stick my glock in my handbag beforehand. Needless to say, that'll be the last time that hygenist screws with me.

PHOTO: Whatcha gonna do when this b*tch comes for you?

Quote of the Day -- Halloween Edition

2007-10-31T22:37:00.000-04:00

Hold on, man. We don't go anywhere with 'scary', 'spooky', 'haunted', or 'forbidden' in the title.
— Shaggy, Scooby-Doo

Today in Stupid Ways to Spend Your Money

2007-10-30T14:49:00.000-04:00

Perhaps you've just been cast as Puck in your local community theatre and/or prison's production of Midsummer's Night Dream. And, while you feel confident that your acting will convince everyone that you are a devilish sprite (except maybe your father, who stopped believing your theatrical abilities shortly after you moved back home because you could no longer afford the Y), you want to seal the deal. Good news! You can now get your ears surgically altered to be the perfect accoutrement to your fairie costume. The added bonus being you'll also hear better. Um, yeah. Tonight, I had the choice of going to the gym, or updating you on the latest elfin body mod. And you're welcome.

Quote of the Day

2007-10-30T14:44:00.000-04:00

Idealism is fine; but as it approaches reality, it becomes cost prohibitive.
- William F. Buckley Jr.

I Need Your Validation, Erm, Vote.

2007-10-30T14:33:00.000-04:00

While it was funny at first that no one voted voted in my "Why Don't You Vote in My Polls" poll (despite record high traffic levels to my site), now it's just sad. So while I appreciate your ironic tendencies (so clever, you are!), please stop being funny and start participating (whew, think I just flashed back to 2nd grade math class. And 11th grade remedial English).

POLL: Don't you like my polls? Answer in comments (if you dare).

I am the Antidote to a Satisfying Personal Relationship

2007-10-29T13:14:00.000-04:00

This weekend I discovered what is wrong with my dating skills. I’m like the Groucho Marx of dating -- I don’t want to be with anyone who’d have me as a girlfriend. To achieve this, I only pick quirky guys who wouldn’t possibly be attracted to me, which then allows for the perfect relationship conundrum. Either they politely avoid me until the restraining order comes through, or decide to date me in a fit of desperation (much like the ones that has kept Jerry Springer in two houses and a villa in Spain these many years). However I have a tendency to punish the latter’s severe lapse in good judgment by obsessing about the quirks that initially drew them to me to them, and eventually, the constant lateness, inability to eat yellow cheese, or odd tendency to bounce when walking (sadly, all real examples) slowly (well, it seems like an eternity, but is usually 2 – 3 weeks) drives me to dumping the person that my mother is convinced is my last chance at happiness.

Because of this, breaking up has always been a relief (and often, quite the highlight of a relationship) for me. Mainly because I then go back to watching Hope Floats on loop and eating Nutella straight from the jar. Okay, I never really stopped, but it is nice to have an excuse to do it.

PHOTO: Even the Evangelicals have given up on me. Oddly enough, I feel very appreciative.

Quote of the Day

2007-10-29T13:12:00.000-04:00

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Two Things I Appreciate Most About My Friends: Their Loyalty & Ability to Drink Large Quantities of Liquor in One Sitting

2007-10-26T16:55:00.000-04:00

Today I checked my blog stats, which should be a piteous zero, considering that I haven't written anything in the past, um, month. Shockingly, though, there has been a consistent group of people who have been checking the website, seemingly everyday, for updates. And it reminded me that the thing I like most about all of you is your refusal to give up on me, no matter how hopeless the situation may seem. So thanks for the support, kids. You're the reason I got into this business in the first place. Well, that, and for the chicks.

Quote of the Day

2007-10-26T12:42:00.000-04:00

I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.
- Demetri Martin

Colbert Polling in Front of Kucinich: I Know of One Pres. Candidate Contemplating Suicide

2007-10-26T12:29:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, real life is so funny that I don't need to waste my time trying to make it funnier. But my constant strivings towards total inanity still demand that I try.

Stephen Colbert's fake Presidential Campaign (for South Carolina) has him polling in front of Dennis Kucinich, according to the Washington Post. And while this is incredibly funny for most (though sad for others with predelictions for people who treat their pockets as mini-Mary Poppins carpet bags), I cannot help but think that this campaign is also a sad reminder that American Politics are truly a joke, and we citizens no longer care that we're the punchline. That being said, I'm still voting Colbert/Craig in 2008!

Diet Stats

2007-10-26T12:20:00.000-04:00

Weight: 16.64 Stone (Hmm, I suck at this, eh?)
Smokes: 2ish (It was really 7, but they were lights, so they only had enough tobacco for 2 real cigarettes)
Drinks: 3 (But I haven't had lunch yet)
Exercise: Sure, why not?

Quote of the Day

2007-09-26T20:40:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.
- Dr. Seuss

It's Business in the Front, Reggae in the Back

2007-09-26T20:07:00.000-04:00

I saw a man on the train today who had, what can only be classified as a RastaMullet. Basically, the front part of his hair was shaved (almost to his skull) with what appeared to be shoulder-length dreads in the back (ironically, tied up in a bun). Weirdest part was, not only was he NOT homeless, he was wearing a really nice suit. Seriously, it felt like how it must have been when the upside of the Schwartz ring met the downside (Yes, I've never seen Star Wars, but I can quote the parody shamelessly. I refuse to apologize for being this cool). For the second time this week, I ask Why??!! Why would you do that!?!?!?! Shit or get off the pot -- either shave your head or grow dreads. Haven't the current presidential candidates taught you that you can't have everything??!?!! (Dammit, why aren't there any black women candidates?!?!!! It would make it so much easier to choose. I'm just saying. But I digress.) In sum: Dreads = cool if you wash them. Mullets = bad. Dread + Mullet = confused train passenger who wonders if you've ever been kicked out of a trailer park for smoking too much weed.

The Japanese Think of Everything, Don't They?

2007-09-25T21:44:00.000-04:00

Imagine your hair is wet, and in need of rapid drying. Now, suppose you want to dry said hair whilst simultaneously pointing a gun to your head, all without shooting yourself accidentally. Good news -- you can now do it! Honestly, why would you buy this? Why? Perhaps you liked to be searched by the police at the airport. If you'd like, you can ride the subway with me.

Quote of the Day

2007-09-25T21:37:00.000-04:00

You're not supposed to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who says it.
- Malcolm X

You, Dad! I Learned It By Watching You!

2007-09-18T23:36:00.000-04:00

Let's face it. The reason you're here, the reason you're my friend, is because you read The New York Times. You also don't see what's the big deal about the MoveOn.org ad about General Petraeus. After all, it is STILL a free country, at least for the next week or so. Point being, you've probably already read this article that says the real drug addicts are not just teenagers, but the middle-aged. And, as my friend, this probably doesn't surprise you, because your years at NYU have taught you that a proper addiction, like a good wine, requires years of cultivation.

PHOTO: This is your brain on drugs. Any questions? Good, now pass the toast.

Prostitution: Not Just for Teenagers Anymore

2007-09-18T23:23:00.001-04:00

My recent birthday has really caused me to think hard about my future, specifically what will happen to me when I am older. I guess my biggest fear is that one day my keen ability to consistently spend exactly how much I make will leave me without a pot to piss in, and, more importantly, no credit from which to lend against. Then I read this article, which reminded me that, no matter the age, there will always be money to be made for those who are willing to work for it. Whew! That takes a load off. I'm taking my 401(K) shopping!

I'm Not Too Proud to Steal Content from My Birthday Cards

2007-09-18T18:38:00.000-04:00

My evil sister from Philly sent me a birthday card this year, and it is just another reminder of why I hate her so much: Because she's funnier than me. I've included most of it below, but parts of it, like Sally Field, have been censored for explicit(ly funny) content.

"So, in my 29th year, I've decided to turn over a new leaf, and only send birthday cards that arrive on time for the actual event. No more on-time(ish) cards, and no more cards that celebrate the one month anniversary of your most recent birthday. (At least no this year. As they say in AA, "Baby Steps." I think that applies here.) I don't want to pretend that I'm completely reformed, after all I found this card in my desk drawer, presumably the card I intended to send last year and just never got around to, so, in essence, this card, though the sentiment is new (I mean, that's if you can claim "Happy Birthday" as an "original" thought), the card itself is old and sort of on time, potentially early, even [ed. note: it was a day late].

You'll notice, though, that though I've decided to send birthday cards on time and so
selflessly, the message, meta-message, and logic is still completely self-absorbed. A duckingly does not become a swan overnight!

Shifting the focus to you... Happy Birthday!
Love, Ryan (and Michael)"

PHOTO: We like you. We really really like you. Cause you talked shit about the Iraq War on Fox. God, you've got balls.

Quote of the Day

2007-09-18T18:35:00.000-04:00

Alright, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.

- Dwight Schrute, The Office

83YO Man More Spry than Me. Why Are You Not Surprised?

2007-09-13T23:36:00.000-04:00

An 83-year-old man, trapped under a flipped tractor, dug himself out using only his wits and a pocket knife. The extraordinary feat has been described by some as a 'life or death' situation, though, given his age, is probably more accurately classified as 'near death or death'.

On a side note, why am I not shocked that a man named Cockerham has eight children? Clearly we know which meat his wife prefers. Is it wrong to make jokes about an octegenarian? Perhaps, but it's why you like it.

PHOTO: Cockerham, pictured here with the offending tractor, says the incident only served to remind him of the giant mistake he made when he chose farming over opening a gourmet popcorn franchise. 'Madison still doesn't have access to delicious kettle corn, and I can't help but feel that I'm to blame."

Fark: A Constant Source of News on Cute Animal Stories

2007-09-13T22:54:00.000-04:00

As many of you know, I hate "real news". Mainly because I don't want a lot of "facts" bogging down my passionate, if not enlightened beliefs. Plus, like 99% of the shit that mainstream news covers is really fucking depressing. I mean, you do know that that AmyWinehouse chick is totally apeshit insane? It used to be, when I was a kid, not one year (NOT ONE YEAR!) went by without a story about some GD pup that traveled 300 miles back home after being lost on a trip. What I want to know is, why is this no longer newsworthy???!!! Can the puppies not find their way home anymore? Don't they know about the recent innovations in GPS technology??!!?!!

Anywho, the main reason I love the news aggregator Fark is because they are AWASH in these stories (though they occasionally do sneak a real story in once in a while -- bastards!). Finally, a welcome change to the daily update from the President and his lackies, which basically approximates to "Yes, we are still on a path to the region of world known as Hell. The transport vehicle remains a handbasket."

PHOTO: Sure, a pigeon and a monkey can fall in love, but where will they make a home?

Quote of the Day

2007-09-13T22:48:00.000-04:00

I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
- Ellen Degeneres

Quote of the Day

2007-09-08T19:12:00.000-04:00

The heights by great men reached and kept,
Were not attained by sudden flight,
But they, while their companions slept,
Were toiling upward in the night.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

BMW Has Come Up with Alternative Ways for You to Blow Through Cash

2007-09-04T22:11:00.000-04:00

I get the feeling that many of you, like me, cut your driving teeth in your mother's two-tone Ford Grenada, learning such important lessons as pumping the brakes (who can afford ABS?) and the open-door push to get the engine running. Good times.

However, times have changed, and you (well, maybe just Kevin) now drive a car that that doesn't need a two-minute warning before breaking, effectively throwing everything you know about driving out the window. Enter BMW's Driving School, where you can re-learn to drive using a sports car. Not just a re-hash of your high school's driver's ed cone negotiation skills, the course seeks to emulate real conditions (black ice and water walls), as well as the unreal (autocross and off-roading). Totally overpriced at nearly $3K, but if you're the type for whom driving is life, it may be worth the expense.

PHOTO: My brother resembled a black version of this man with his totally disinterested and slightly inebriated approach to driver's ed. However, credit needs to be given where it is due: He *WAS* the one to break me of the nasty habit I had of hitting walls and people.

Onion, You've Gone Too Far.

2007-09-04T21:47:00.001-04:00

Seriously, most people know that I appreciate a good off-color joke (and have been the source of many currently in existence). The Onion is a special favorite of mine, however, this is too mean even for me. I would boycott them, but I'm too lazy, so I'll just forget to read their website for a few weeks. That'll show them.

BREAKING NEWS: Missing Girl Probably Raped

Quote of the Day

2007-09-04T21:42:00.000-04:00

You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.
- Mary Pickford

Movie Review: Superbad -- Yet Another Movie that Doesn't Live Up to Its Name

2007-09-03T19:53:00.000-04:00

Superbad is definitely one of those "lowbrow" movies that you pretend to hate despite the fact that it made you laugh so much you nearly (okay, actually) peed your pants a little. While full of the penis and va-jay-jay jokes that are so prevalent in high school flicks, the comedic timing of leads Jonah Hill and Michael Cera coupled with stellar performances by the supporting cast makes this the best thing going since American Pie. This one is not to miss -- just be sure to go see it alone, so later you can talk loudly around the water cooler about how you cannot believe this shit gets made when no one has even considered remaking such quality comedic programming as Maude.

Memorable Quotes:
Jules: You scratch our back and we'll scratch yours.
Seth: Well, the funny thing about my back, is that it's located on my cock.

Seth: Why don't you go pee your pants?
Greg the Soccer Player: That was like 8 years ago!
Seth: People don't forget!

Evan: Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.

Becca: I'm so wet right now.

Evan: Yeah... they said that would happen in Health Class.

[To his teacher]
Seth: Look, we all know Home Ec. is a joke. No offense. It's just like everyone takes this class to get an A. It's bullshit, and I'm sorry. And I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't ever need to cook tiramisu. When am I gonna need to cook tiramisu? Am I gonna be a chef? [pause] No. There's three weeks left in school - give me a fuckin' break. I'm sorry for cursing.

Today's Diet Stats

2007-09-03T18:02:00.000-04:00

Smokes: 11
Drinks: 0
Exercise: None (Gym closed early -- I tried to go, really!)
Diet Sodas: 8 (Yes, I know. Shut up.)

Calorie Count: 720 so far today. I am trying to cut back to 1300 since I didn't go to the gym.

Quote of the Day

2007-09-03T17:07:00.000-04:00

You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
- Al Capone

Dead Lady Di is More Popular than Living Bush. Think Real Hard on That, Mr. President.

2007-09-03T16:38:00.000-04:00

I swear to god, Princess Di is the British Elvis -- soon, we'll be hearing stories about how she used the car crash to escape the paparazzi and is living in Majorca with Biggie and Tupac (who used their public East/West Coast feud and "gangsta-style" murders to hide their deep-seated man love for one another).

However, this story is definitely in the running to be my all-time fave ... Basically, Princess Di told her hairdresser that Prince Charles "must be wearing beer goggles to have an affair with Camilla." He probably borrowed Lady Di's pair.

Quit While You're Behind

2007-09-03T16:25:00.000-04:00

I think what I love most about the President is that I am frequently unable to immediately discern if certain articles written about him are satirical or not. By the way, in case you're counting, there's 1 year, 2 months and 1 day left. Viva 2009!

My Friends Are Way Funnier Than You

2007-09-02T16:29:00.000-04:00

I have this one friend who has just updated his website, which you need to check out, tout de suite. Why, you ask? Well, because never again will you be able to cruise the site of a person who, throughout his life, has turned his hair into a living tribute to some of the greatest African Americans (and Jewish people who resemble them) that ever lived, including Chris "Kid" Reid, Oscar Gamble and that guy from the Counting Crows.

PHOTO: Why, Kevin, I had no idea that you played for the Indians in the mid-70s. The things you learn about your friends when surfing the internet... I swear.

Quote of the Day

2007-09-02T16:26:00.000-04:00

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
- Samuel Goldwyn

Today's Stats

2007-09-02T16:18:00.000-04:00

Weight: 17 Stone (or a little more than 1/10th of a metric ton)
Height: 6'7" (give or take a foot)
Smokes: 10ish (do rehashes count?)
Drinks: 3 (Thank god for big glasses)
Exercise: Pilates (There's nothing funny about Pilates)

I Just Ate a 1500 calorie Burrito.

2007-09-02T16:08:00.000-04:00

Sorry I've been gone for so long, kids, but I've been contemplating a huge shift in the blog, and wasn't sure how I wanted to get it started. See, I've been thinking that it might be beneficial for me (and humourous for you) if I started blogging about my dieting. However, I couldn't figure out how to get started. Until today, when I ate a 1500 calorie burrito. That's right -- almost an entire day's worth of calories in one sitting. The worst part is, it was delicious. And while learning the calorie count has made me seriously regret my decision to eat it, I cannot say that it has entirely turned me off of the experience all together. See, the reason I think people like me, the reason I often fail at diets, is because I'll try anything (stupid). Twice. Wish me luck!

PHOTO: This illustrious BKLYN taco joint is the Catra to my She-Ra.

Quote of the Day

2007-08-25T14:41:00.000-04:00

Be polite. Be professional. Be prepared to kill.

- Advice to Iraqi Soldiers (And my new motto on dating) from Lt. Colonel John Nagl, Co-author of the Counterinsurgency Field Manual

Quote of the Day

2007-08-24T00:40:00.000-04:00

Let's take the example of experience. We try to remind people nobody had a longer resume than Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld, and that hasn't worked out so well.

- Barack Obama on his campaign strategy on The Daily Show

Quote of the Day

2007-08-23T20:07:00.000-04:00

Isn't it strange, when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're in a couple, all you see is hookers?
- Jim Gaffigan

Dear Daily Candy: Please Don't Compare an $800 Handbag to Coors Light.

2007-08-23T19:36:00.000-04:00

Honestly, calling something "Champagne on a Coors Light Budget" that costs nearly $1K just seems dishonest. That's a month's rent! Have you ever even bought Coors Light? Cause it's only like 5 bucks for a 24 pack, which is 1/200th month's rent. Much more economical. Perhaps you should reconsider changing the tagline to "Bud Light on a Cristal budget". Or, if you are aiming for a more frugal angle, check out the lovely offerings at Target. I'm not judging, I'm just saying.

Hugh Hefner Was Always Old -- Even in 1971

2007-08-23T19:27:00.001-04:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, kids -- I've been too busy watching this. As a side note -- I aspire to be so rich that one day, I decide to pay my favorite band to perform live inside of my tv. It's my ultimate dream.

Tequila-Infused Coffee Liqueur? What'll They Think of Next? A Tempura Bar? Oh, wait....

2007-08-21T23:12:00.000-04:00

Patron, in what one can only imagine is an effort to compete with Vodka Red Bull (and yes, Vodka Red Bull does have its own page on Wikipedia -- Damn those liberals and their freewheeling ways!), created a coffee liqueur that is made with tequila. Finally, a hair of the dog treatment for the i-bankers to mix with their morning caffeine ... I mean, some of us have been slumming with with Kahlua, which is like drinking Gordon's when all you want is Sapphire. Honestly, the sacrifices we make just to tolerate jobs that offer massive compensation in exchange for our immortal soul. Good times.

The bad news is, the caffeine prevents you from passing out before the splitting hangover headache begins. The good news is, it significantly decreases your chances of asphyxiating on your own vomit while sleeping. Let the partying begin!

Quote of the Day

2007-08-21T23:08:00.001-04:00

Blessed be the good days, may they last forever!
- From the Beatitudes of Dorothea, Patron Saint of Horticulture and Job Searches

Why Does NoLita Rock? Two Words: Tempura Bar

2007-08-21T22:50:00.000-04:00

Say you live in NYC, and wanted to turn your six pack into a keg tout de suite (crazy, we know). Good news, little man, they've finally invented a restaurant just for you. BarFly specializes in a menu of tempura and beer, and is offering complimentary desserts and angioplasty for every order over $75.

One of the other selling points for the restaurant are the graffiti chalkboards in the bathroom for patrons' use -- maybe this seems cool to the artist crowd, but true New Yorkers will avoid actively seeking out this petri dish of fecal matter posing as art noveau.
BarFry, 50 Carmine (between Bedford and Bleecker), 212-929-5050

Quote of the Day

2007-08-19T15:13:00.000-04:00

Arthur: This is what I am. Everyone who drinks is not a poet. Some of us drink because we're not poets.

Susan: A real woman could stop you from drinking.

Arthur: It'd have to be a real big woman.

- From Arthur

Quote of the Day

2007-08-18T23:13:00.000-04:00

It's always darkest before it's totally black.
- John McCain on his Presidential campaign (misattributed to Mao Zedong)

Poem of the Day

2007-08-17T10:52:00.000-04:00

Today ends Shel Silverstein week at Erin's Boredom blog, and to be honest, I'm a bit sad. I’ve loved Shel ever since I read “Who wants a Cheap Rhinoceros?” (I do! They sneak snacks for you and eat bad report cards!). My Grandma Stella purchased it for me, and I remember being excited because I thought it was a coloring book (as with all of his work, it had b&w pencil drawings). My first real introduction to formalized poetry, I memorized the whole book within weeks, and could recite it at will – even now, I still remember the opening page …

Who wants a cheap rhinoceros,
I know one for sale.
With floppy ears and cloppy feet
And a friendly wagging tail.
He’s sweet and cute and huggable,
He’s a quiet as a mouse.
And there’s lots of things that he can do around your house.
For instance ….”

The second book (A Light in the Attic) I received by Shel was probably the most influential on me, and was the reason I started writing my own poems. My grandfather gave it to me for Christmas when I was twelve (It was the last present he ever bought for me, as he died shortly thereafter), and whenever I felt scared or alone, I would read it for inspiration. So to end this series, I’ve saved the introduction from that book (and my most favorite of Shel's poems) for last…

If you are a dreamer, come in.
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer . . .
If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire,
For we have some flax golden tales to spin.
Come in!
Come in!
- Shel Silverstein

Interesting. And Yet, Still Totally F*cked Up.

2007-08-16T16:35:00.000-04:00

Okay, whilst during research for the previous post, I found this little gem of a website (I highly recommend reading "What Liberals Believe" page, or, if you're in the mood for retching, "The Filthiest Joke I've Ever Heard"). Apparently the concubine of the leader of the Third Reich has his own blog, and yet, doesn't full understand what *exactly* it means to be a Neo-Nazi, as he quotes both Shel Silverstein AND Albert Einstein on his page. Um, yeah, the Jews are totally against Hitler, mainly because of that whole Holocaust thing -- but maybe you skipped that year in History class.

On the upside, I think I've found the one atheist NeoCon, which, on the odd scale, is right up there with Log Cabin Republicans (Whose motto is, We will persevere -- if our own party doesn't stone us to death first. Honestly, how many gay men do you know who live in a log cabin? It just doesn't make sense!).

PHOTO: When interviewed, Mr. Einstein commented that the website is "probably ran by a colossal tool who doesn't know jack about shit."

Quote of the Day

2007-08-16T16:26:00.000-04:00

Beware of being the roller when there's nothing left to roll.
- Shel Silverstein

Poem of the Day

2007-08-15T16:09:00.000-04:00

I know a way to stay friends forever, There's really nothing to it, I tell you what to do, And you do it.
- Shel Silverstein

Poem of the Day

2007-08-14T15:23:00.000-04:00

Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon."
Said the old man, "I do that too."
The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."
"I do that too," laughed the little old man.
Said the little boy, "I often cry."
The old man nodded, "So do I."
"But worst of all," said the boy, "it seems
Grown-ups don't pay attention to me."
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
"I know what you mean," said the little old man.
- Shel Silverstein

Amy Winehouse Update: Amy to Check Into Rehab, Take Hypocritic Oath

2007-08-14T13:46:00.000-04:00

Dear Ames (do you mind if I call you Ames?),

Okay, I’ll admit I laughed when you did that Rehab song … Methinks you doth protest too much! Come on, even you knew that eventually you'd have to eat your words. And then vomit them up in a drug induced stupor. You remind me of another idealist, whose quest to be a Successful Fat Actress ended in her being An Unemployed Actress who then evolved into a Diet Shilling Actress.

Sorry, back to you … Seriously, how’d you od? Isn’t your mother a pharmacist? Didn’t she ever teach you that when you start to lose feelings in your forehead and legs, you should stop doing the drugs, and slow down the whiskey shooters? Even if she didn't, this is just the sort of thing you learn during Freshmen orientation at uni, which is why you should've gone. And honestly, who shoots heroin the day after od'ing?!??!! And with your father in the next room?!??!!! Who are you, Lindsay Lohan?

Anywhos, I’m glad to hear that you’ve actually checked into a rehab facility, along with your husband (is that the guy from Babyshambles?!!?!! I thought he was with Kate Moss. I know we’re friends, but she is way cuter than you. And she eats almost every single day!). I heard it was in the US? What, was there no vacancy in the Columbian detox clinic? I mean, going to the US to kick drugs is like, um….going to the US to lose weight (like the above-mentioned actress, who has kicked neither her drug nor ding-dong habit). The only upside to rehabbing in America is the fact that, during your stay, you’ll probably meet Lindsay Lohan. Or Paris Hilton. Or Nicole Ritchie. Or Posh Spice (she's on drugs, I'm sure of it).

Well, good luck at rehab… You’re gonna need it.

Byee!

Erin Elvi Slives

PHOTO: The 2007 winners of the most intentionally ugly couple award celebrate their success by dazzling people on the streets of London with their style ineptitude.